| Location | Sutton Bridge, Lincs |
| Age | 45 years |
| Cause of Death | Motorbike Accident |
| Date of Death | 25/08/2009 |
| Visitors | 1,217 since 18/10/2009 |
| Creator | |
| Helpers |
Beloved soul mate, long term partner and love of the life of Deb and fantastic Daddy to Kayleigh.
He was the 32nd person to die on Lincolnshire roads in 2009. Paul died way too young aged just 45 in
a motorbike crash on 25th April 2009 in Bridge Road, Sutton Bridge, Lincolnshire.
We missed your last words, holding your hand, telling you our love for you will NEVER die. We missed
the funeral out of respect for your Mum. We have spent many beautiful hours by your grave since,
just talking and reflecting on what was so beautiful in our lives and the plans that we had.
We may have been your extra family BUT you were, and always will be the love of my life.
There was always an electric spark between us since we got together a whole decade ago (now I feel
old) and I feel like a chunk of my heart has been wrenched out.
You were a fantastic Daddy to little Kayleigh who adored you too. You were daft and funny, both
reflective and sunny. We always called you our silly sunshine. You'd pull silly faces at Kayleigh
and make her giggle and it would make me love you all the more.
I always dreamt of another little one but Kayleigh will be an only child now. I think I shall just
remember that together we made the best "little Spiller" ever as K is so so special.
I am gutted to have lost you but a passer by and the ambulance crew tried so hard to save you but
there was nothing the could do, you were gone.
I am so relieved you didn't suffer and were gone in an instant but selfishly wish I would've known
and got to you to hold you tightly and kiss you and say goodbye to my dear sweet love.
I bought a laptop with the money we had stashed ready for you moving in properly. Not worth buying a
fantastic new bed now is it? I want to keep the one we conceived our princess in.
With this computer, I have also been able to make this memorial on your behalf.
I've still got bike bits and oily rags and stuff in the garage and will never part with them. I
don't need that garage, it was always yours! I can sit in peace there though and smell you and be
reminded. My private shrine! I'll never get the bike put together, it will stay as it is because
without you to ride it, it will be as YOU left it.
I listen to the Scorpions, to "our song" to grieve (when your little girl is in bed and i'm so alone
thinking about my giant hunk of a man) I am now trawling our rock collection as music was such a
huge part of our lives and we had so many songs that were "ours" and lyrics that meant so much to
us. Our own CD compilations and we would cuddle in the car whilst listening to and watching the tide
flowing under the bridge on my way taking you home.
We love you so much Paul and this is taking so long to write and rewrite. I'm already missing
country walks with Kayleigh and you. Hiding at Sandringham and behaving like big kids ourselves
jumping out from the trees.
In all our years together, we never grew up. We always had fun. Watching sunsets and looking at the
motorbikes at Hunstanton whilst being dive bombed by seagulls. Having to put the raincover over the
pram so Kayleigh didn't get pooped on as they tried to steal my chips.
I am gutted about the sadness when it was time to leave to go back to "real life". If only you had
left home before we had Kayleigh, you wouldn't have been so depressed.
God I love you more than life. If I didn't have Kayleigh, I'd join you. My mission is to keep your
memory alive for your gorgeous girl and to make her a keepsake box of her lovely sweet, silly Daddy.
♥
I am gradually piecing together what happened on that fateful day/evening. What on earth was going
through your mind?
Love, hugs, kisses and cuddles forever. How was I to know you'd go? The only pictures that me and
Julia have are really stupid ones involving peacock feathers....yeah you know! and the ones out of
the paper. How crap after 10 years but we were always so busy.
I have had to stifle my grieving and couldn't see you or be at your funeral I cannot move on and my
heart is broken. I'd have held you so tight so god couldn't take you to heaven.
I know you're a good Dad to all 3 of your children and life was awkward for us as a family. Kayleigh
held a special part in your heart as she well and truly melted it!
When we had Kayleigh. I never asked you to move in (I wish I had nagged you now though as you'd
still be alive) but as you decided yourself, you'd move in with us just before Christmas 2009 when
Kayleigh will be 3 and will need her Daddy more and for silly bedtime stories etc...
You were keeping that promise and I believe you 100%.
You were so happy with us but life in Sutton Bridge was grinding you down. Even when I dropped you
off on Bridge Road, you would have a pint or more before rolling home. You never had alcohol with
me, not even with a meal or when out at a business"do" before we had Kayleigh, so why on earth did
you need dutch courage to go home? You never even had cans of beer when Phil did when you were
messing about in the garage with bikes!
I cannot recall us EVER arguing about anything. We just had silly banter continuously between us
like a pair of daft kids, even at our ages!
If only you had been with us that fateful day and I hadn't gone out. You could've got the bus to the
house if need be! If you had been with us, you wouldn't have had a drink and would not have been out
on that blasted bike. I am so cross. You knew you could come to the house and tinkered with our bits
of bike even if I wasn't there. You could have tinkered with yours or mine so long as you didn't
ride them!
They say memories are golden,
well, maybe that is true,
But we never wanted memories,
We only wanted you xx
Love from Deb and Kayleigh
PS I am so glad we eventually had Kayleigh so I have a part of you to cherish.
God my heart aches, longing for you to be here. My love for you will never die xxxxxxxx
If only we could turn back the time to when I had my lovely man, Kayleigh had her Daddy and Phil and
Julia had their best mate we would all be so happy planning this christmas and also K's 3rd
birthday..
Many others have spoken well of you too but the people who we met together are strangely not
revealing themselves probably through some loyalty to "The Dumpling"
Hello my sunshine :'-(
I am back...well kind of. I don't know whether I am coming or going but came home late last night.
I am being driven mad that I may be affecting Kayleigh with my whimsical way of just taking off but she truly is a joy to be with and you are missing so much of her life.
I wish I could update your tributes from my mobile so I could be here without having to keep coming and seeing you as my distress has turned to anger in a way. I am cross that I am having to deal with this through your stupidity. Our daughter has lost her Daddy and I have lost you because of you being an idiot.
I really don't want to think about it anymore which is why I don't want to deal with the police family liason officer. I just feel anger and upset whereas prior to that I just felt distraught at losing you.
Why the hell did you drink and ride that bike? I told the policeman all I knew about your life in SB but I couldn't say a lot as I was in one of several states I've been in of late.
All I know is I want you back, here with us. The house still smells like you are here. I know I have to move stuff soon. Julia and Phil offered to while I was away but it's something I need to do while they have Kayleigh.
Kayleigh managed to haul herself up to her lovely bed tonight as I thought she would be on the sofa.
Little Spiller has come on in leaps and bounds and is growing all the time. He is doing well off-lead too because all he knows is us so stays close.
I miss you with a pain in my heart, especially now I am back on here. Kayleigh and I chatted a lot, she is such a chatterbox for her age. I suppose she always will be with being an only child.
She is good company for me and keeps me sane. She wants a baby for her birthday and a buggy and Daddy for Christmas so I hope Christmas eve is a starry clear night so we can look for you.
She said we could both have babies for Christmas so I told her, she is my special baby and always will be my only special baby.
I must go big man, It is stupid O clock. Tomorrow I need to email Jackie and get the dogs back from Julia and I will speak to you again soon.
Love you forever, even if you hadn't been an idiot you'd still be here.
Deb xx
Waiting at the Door
I can’t explain so deep inside
The very fabric of my soul
Only a heart that grieves such loss
Can ever truly understand
It’s like you’re waiting at the door
Until a loved one comes back home
You feel a longing in your heart
When they appear the longing stops
But in a loss that never ends
You’re always standing at that door
You feel the longing in the breeze
So incomplete and never filled
I cannot find the words to say
Just what it’s like to want forever
Never seeing them again
Just always waiting at the door
Alison Mary Dunn
Deb told me she wishes she could send you a tribute from her mobile so she could keep in touch. Her phone has internet but she hasn't a clue.
She had to change number again. This time, just the sim rather than the whole phone.
I just wish everyone would leave her alone. She would be home by now if not for the crap.
She said every time she had a good day, an anonymous call would come through and she hasn't given her number out to hardly anyone so she got another sim. Why should she get this aggravation because of your relationship?
I REALLY wish you hadn't left this mess behind. I wish you had already moved in with Deb as she would be able to deal with this properly and have given you a send off you'd have loved. At the moment Deb is dealing with quite a bit of anger towards you for drinking that day.
Every night Deb says Kayleigh and her look at the stars for you and say a prayer asking God to look after you and Michael and to let you have a bike each up there where you are safe.
Take care, our angel. We miss you too.
Jules and Phil
xxxx
Dear Little Child - by Sharon Henry
Your Dad is your Angel
Gone to Heaven above.
His wings now surround you
With protection and love.
He watches and smiles
With Fatherly joy
At the antics and laughter
Of his precious girl.
And though here on Earth
You will never know him
There's a bond between you
That cannot be broken.
Then someday, God tells us,
We'll all be together
Where love is eternal
And we'll all live forever.
So be glad, Little Kaleigh,
Live life without fear.
Your Dad is your Angel
And he'll always be near.
© Sharon Henry
We love you
Hi Paul,
Sorry I took off. Am having a few more days to get my sanity back away from the house then I'll be home. Jules nagged me to put the reminders away somewhere but I can't, but they upset me being there so I'm in turmoil.
Missing you loads. Kayleigh and I have been making songs up about Daddy and she is enjoying me being relaxed instead of so tense and emotional.
I text the police as I don't want to hear the gory details or see your bike or go to the inquest or anything. I want to remember you as I do now...not as a drunken biker which I feel ashamed of.
I want Kayleigh to be brought up with happy memories and when she is old enough to be thinking of driving or riding, I shall tell her what you did and hopefully help her never to be so stupid.
Sorry my sweet, I have cried thousands of tears in the past week just as I seemed to be making a recovery. I can feel them coming again just seeing your face and hearing "our" music.
Tomorrow is 11 weeks since you left us. I hate every day I don't see your face even though I didn't see it every day when you were alive.
I hope you like the theme and the music I put on your page. How appropriate it is with us listening to this together at home, in the car at the river in Sutton Bridge or the CD on with music wafting from the garage.
HUGS forever and ever from myself, Kayleigh, Little Spiller and the pack of our dogs who at at Julias at the moment.
Love you my sweetheart.
DEb xx
We are "doing a Deborah"
We have put some music on your memorial Paul, and I know Deb likes to add the lyrics for you too. I really don't know how Deborah is coping and cannot think about losing Phil. I am feeling sick on her behalf as I listen to music that mean something to all of us. I wonder where she is.
We miss you so much Paul and yet you were just a best friend to us. You know we thought the world of you and you left a massive hole by leaving us.
Thankyou for giving Deborah the happiness you did. We just wish you were here, in the workshop, Cd playing, grotty and oily! We really do miss you and this is such a lovely place to remember you but I feel like I miss you more through reading these beautiful tributes where Deborah has just rambled (like I am) just chatting about her day.
I hope Deb reads this and comes home feeling well and refreshed and that she isn't breaking down somewhere with Kayleigh and Little Spiller! Am off to ask a few questions to friends and family tomorrow!
WE WANT YOU HOME DEB! YOU KNOW WE WILL HELP YOU!
W.A.S.P
Hold On To My Heart lyrics
There's a flame, flame in my heart
And there's no rain, can put it out
And there's a flame, it's burning in my heart
And there's no rain, ooh can put it out
So just hold me, hold me, hold me
Take away the pain, inside my soul
And I'm afraid, so all alone
Take away the pain, that's burning in my soul
Cause I'm afraid that I'll be all alone
So just hold me, hold me, hold me
Hold on to my heart, to my heart, to me
Hold on to my heart, to my heart, to me
And oh no, don't let me go cause all I am
You hold in your hands, and hold me
And I'll make it through the night
And I'll be alright, hold on, hold on to my heart
Contd from msg below
She is worried sick that other people close to you will try to take the things from the house of yours as her GTS friend, and mine- had it happen to her where her fiance's family got solicitors involved etc..to take all she had left of him.
Deborah just reassures herself that she is asking nothing from your family of yours and that she purchased everything in her home and workshop that you used so it would be complex to deal with as you weren't properly working.
Did you know she is having a headstone made for the garden? It *should* be lovely when it is done with a bike etched or engraved or whatever they do into the granite. A retired stonemason she found somewhere is making it so it should be good as he is a craftsman. A part of the garden will then be dedicated to you and she won't have to go to your burial place ever again because as she says, only your body is in there, not your soul as that is watching over her and Kayleigh which I think is a lovely thought to have.
I know she hates to get angry as she feels you know she is mad at you for killing yourself with stupidity or wonders if it was deliberate as in couldn't you go though with leaving home. She doesn't want to think of that though and I believe you were moving in with her at last at you had really perked up, going window shopping and buying bits too for what was to be a joint home for the first time since Deborah had it.
She has been yours for 10 whole years and devotedly so, no matter what other people said about you'd never leave your wife- Phil and I personally think, yes you were at long long last!
You should have done years ago before having Kayleigh as it was you who wanted her in the 1st place. I thought Deb was like me and wouldn't ever have baby. You made such a lovely family and that was wiped out at the click of fingers.
HUGS 4 THE BIG FELLA WHO GAVE US SUCH A LAUGH
Jules and Philip- we miss you, our dear buddy xxxxxxxxx
The flutterby has fluttered off
Definitely romany blood in your dear lady as well as bikes!
Off she has gone again! Taken Kayleigh, big pushchair and Little Spiller and left the others for me with a note and some chocolates saying she isn't doing anything stupid, just doing what she needs to do (whatever that is). I don't mind the dogs, they are no trouble and seem to be firework trained which is good as I keep hearing an odd one popping in the distance. The dogs are in a stable and I haven't heard them at all. She must be walking a lot if taken Kayleigh's big off road pushchair (poor little Spiller unless he gets in the shopping bag)
No idea how she will be able to do this when Kayleigh reaches school age but hopefully she won't by then!
No idea where she is, am not worrying today but I know she was in a state yesterday, but it wasn't the first and won't be the last time she is in a state espcially with Christmas looming and that milestone in both your lives.
I think we need Kayleighs birthday and Christmas out of the way before there is any hope of building Deborah up to the bubbly person she was.
I've been to your final place earlier today. I don't mean your grave (I wouldn't go there in the daytime) but the road where you crashed, what an idiot you are! I didn't leave any flowers, just sat and remembered you fondly for a little while. Wishing you were here for Deb as this is all so unfair.
She spoke to the police family liason officer yesterday and felt it was all dragged up when she just wants to bury her head in the sand. She felt sick after and was in a state driving home which scared her as she worried she would crash and leave Kayleigh without parents.
She told me she won't help the police as they wouldn't help her on the night of your crash and no one would as she wasn't family even though she was desperately in need of knowing something so she's said "b*lls to everyone".
It's her and Kayleigh against the world and they will find out everything they need to know after your inquest and apparently your private life won't be dragged up which does annoy me in a way and Deborah as she says they haven't looked into your history at home.
She wants to wash her hands of your crash as it should never have happened, your family and everything else and just have the happy memories with you to pass on to Kayleigh and that if she is in a state, she isn't functioning properly as a parent and does not want to be a failure as a mum to your princess.
She doesn't want lasting memories of you riding that bike drunk and is glad it wasn't 1 of the bikes at her place. She feels guilt that you drunk and rode and could have killed anyone else too and she is mad at you and I think that anger had recently mellowed and is there again since speaking to PC Gascoigne or however it's spelt....Gazza will do ;-) I'm sure it has an extra G in but not where but spell checker has put it there.
She hates being at home and thinking you will walk in at any time as everything of yours is still there, but she won't move it or pack it up because then you won't be there. Oh I can't understand it! I do try though. Here I am doing a Deb and talking to a website as it's the closest we have to you.
continued
Back soon xxxxxxxx
Today has been a horrible day and a giant leap backwards in my recovery which isn't good when I have your princess to care for as well as "your present" and the other dogs.
I thought I'd be ok. I braced myself and tried to stay calm but nope....everything is just as raw as it always has been and I've obviously masked it well with the "I'm fine" smile.
Please my sweetheart, don't take offence if I take some time out. I have altered your theme to a sunset over a river as we saw a lot of sunsets over the years and everytime I see a nice one, I just think of you and wish we were together on the hill at Hunstanton watching the sun go down and the day come to a close for the trippers.
I need to be able to immerse myself in thoughts of you whilst carrying on with life for all around me even though I feel like joining you. I feel so low. As I said before, It's a good job we have our princess or we would be together by now.
I truly hope you have met Michael up there, gone for a ride and a pint! I'd find that comforting so long as the pint was afterwards!.
I love and miss you loads. Absolutely more than I ever thought possible. I never realised a heart could be broken but still carry on beating and functioning each day.
Both Kayleigh and I love you.
We'll be back soon when we feel able. I'm sure Jules will look after you in the meantime. I was thinking earlier, this is your resting place for us who couldn't attend your funeral.
Deb n Kayleigh xx
Lyrics for Motley Crue- If I die tomorrow
I wake up to find myself
After all these years
And where all the time has gone
Still seems so unclear
'Cause there's no one else
Since I found you
I know it's been so hard
You should know
If I die tomorrow
As the minutes fade away
I can't remember
Have I said all I can say?
You're my everything
You make me feel so alive
If I die tomorrow
It brings out the worst in me
When you're not around
I miss the sound of your voice
The silence seems so loud
'Cause there's no one else
Since I found you
I know it's been so hard
You should know
If I die tomorrow
As the minutes fade away
I can't remember
Have I said all I can say?
You're my everything
You make me feel so alive
If I die tomorrow
I spent all my life
Looking for our innocence
I've got nothing to lose
One thing to prove
I won't make the same mistakes
Now I know
That everything will be ok
When I die tomorrow
If I die tomorrow
As the minutes fade away
I can't remember
Have I said all I can say?
You're my everything
You make me feel so alive
If I die tomorrow
You make me feel so alive
If I die tomorrow
If I die tomorrow
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So touching as are all the songs you and Deb had as special ones on compilation CD's you 'd make between you.
Deb is OK, just having a PC free night and snuggling with Little Spiller as she has things going around in her head about you and also about her GTS fiend Jackie who would have got married to you if her man hadn't gone the same way as you.
Hugs to our bezzie mate. Deb has the little man to focus on now when Kayleigh is in bed so I'm happier as she isn't on her own and thinking what might have been.
Phil was hoping for a ride out this weekend, he misses you loads especially as this year is the 1st in ages he has taxed and insured the bike for the whole year instead of being just a "fair weather biker".
Jules And Phil
True friends of yours forever!
xxxxxx
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